It is well...........

It's been awhile since I sat down to write - other than quick entries in my journal - life took another unexpected turn this year for me and I found my normal routine interrupted for a time!

Routines are interesting things aren't they? Sometimes it's good to have routine - other times maybe not. I think as we get older some of our routines can start to feel like ruts....and that is not a good feeling! I just looked up rut in the dictionary...'established, tedious practice or routine'. Of course, some routines are necessary and indeed good for us but the danger as we age is that we can become inflexible and irritable if our routines get out of kilter.  Or maybe it's a control thing? If circumstances are changing too rapidly for our liking and we feel like we are losing control of what we like to have control of - then we can become 'out of sorts'.

I know I am the sort of person who can get 'ruffled' if my plan or agenda doesn't get carried out or at least in some part accomplished.  Things like interruptions and problems can become irritating and it is a little window into our nature and maturity as to how we respond.  I really do not want to grow into a grumpy old woman!!

We have recently had some teaching at our church on 'living with an adventurous heart or spirit' and I have appreciated hearing this challenge again.  It goes hand in hand with not living in a routine that is inflexible and unbending. Even if we are living with circumstances we cannot physically change or do anything about - we can still have a mentality of being open to change and seeing the best in things. This is a challenge for me and one I need to keep in mind as I go through life - I can't cross all the t's and dot all the i's all the time.......and that's OK!

Along with living with a flexible mindset for me needs to be the willingness to 'have a go' at something new.....stepping out of the boat......stepping out in faith......or however you like to put it.  I'm sure thinking this way helps keep us young......always learning......growing and...well....just having fun! There are still some things on my bucket list I'd like to have a go at.....what about you??

Last week I, along with my sister and her husband, went to a local restaurant for dinner and to listen to a jazz band called Dixie Street. This band is made up of a group of guys all over the age of 70. They are from Australia, and along with their wives, tour on a regular basis through Australia and NZ. Their music was lively, joyful, fun.......and good!! They are doing what they love and bringing enjoyment to many people along the way. I thought they were a great example of not living in a rut, and I wouldn't mind betting that for some of them at least, they are ticking off something on their bucket lists!

But back to what I really wanted to talk about today............(got on a bit of a tangent there.....ha!)

Early this year my daughter Natasha, who was in the early stages of her second pregnancy, began having complications that were on going.  So I made the commitment to travel to her place to help and support her 3 days a week (during weekdays) until the baby was born - due mid August.

I am very grateful I was free to be able to do this and I count it a privilege to have such involvement in my children's lives.  To be able to spend that much time with my 2 year old grandson Owen has been very special for me and I have loved it. Each week as I arrived and was greeted with a smile and hug from him - it made my heart smile!

I can't say it hasn't been tiring - because it has - that's what happens when you get older - and yes it intruded into my tidy routine but.....so what?? Life is about family, relationships, love, giving - doing the next thing that the Lord puts in front of you to do - and for me it has been helping my family.

There have also been anxious times when we have all had to press hard into the Lord for His strength and comfort.  Particularly for my daughter and her husband, it has been a challenging few months as week by week they progressed through a difficult pregnancy.

It all became more dramatic when early on Sunday morning 29th June, the newest member of our family, a little boy named Toby, arrived 7 weeks premature!  Both he and his mummy were very sick and required special care and attention for some time.

But as I sit here today and reflect back on the past few months I have nothing but thankfulness and gratitude to God for His continuing goodness to us as a family and his faithfulness to us through all circumstances.  Toby is now 6 weeks old and is thriving.  He is a darling little boy who is so precious to us all.

There were complications after he was born and at times we were unsure what it all meant, and what the future looked liked for him, but he is now receiving excellent reports from the doctors and ALL IS WELL!!  He is in fact - our little miracle baby:)

It is so wonderful now to see this little family all healthy and doing well.  When I look at my 2 grandsons I can hardly believe it.......they are such a BLESSING!!

2 year old Owen gazes at his little brother Toby - 6 weeks old - "can he come and play yet?"

For me personally, this year is providing new challenges - more decisions to be made - but there is definitely a sense of a 'new season'......and that is a good thing!  After many months of thinking/praying/pondering I have come to the conclusion that I want to stay living in the little town where I am  -  not because I am too afraid of change, but because I believe it is right for me and the next season of life is going to based here. This has been a big decision for me and I think anyone who suddenly finds themselves alone will identify with it.  It would be easy in a way to go back to where I spent the majority of my life and where things are maybe more familiar  - but for me, it is not right to go back, I want to keep moving forward to whatever is next for me. I gave myself permission to ask myself some hard questions, and it has been a relief to be able to answer honestly, and with that has come a sense of relief and peace.

Of course this doesn't mean there won't be change up ahead - there's always change in life - there's always adjustment and growth - but if you have peace about the big decisions then the changes and seasons that come and go don't need to rock you off your foundations!

So today in my heart..........IT IS WELL!

Till next time.............

Easter 2014

Easter Monday evening........another Easter weekend coming to an end. I've had so many thoughts and emotions running around my head and in my heart this weekend.  There have been 'lump in the throat' moments, tears of grief but lots of smiles and laughter too.....and never far from my thoughts has been....'Tony would love this'.

I am forever grateful to have a home large enough for all the family to come and stay, and this year the whole family has been here and we have enjoyed a variety of activities......things that are typical to our family.

On Good Friday morning I attended a church service at my church here in Mangawhai.  A reflective and moving time of remembrance and communion.  I actually struggled to cope with my emotions. When you stop and focus solely on The Cross for an hour, it puts life and death into perspective. The wonder of the love of God.....so powerful, so total, so humbling, so free.  The simple act of communion.......so precious.

I have found since becoming a widow that communion, Easter and The Cross have all become so much more emotional for me. As though my feelings are just under the surface and they bubble up without me really being able to always control it.  I guess it's a 'rawness' that wasn't there before. This is a good thing I think......but it does leave me feeling rather wrung out at times!

Bit of a change of pace on Friday afternoon when we went to watch my son Heath's club rugby game. It was a beautiful warm afternoon.......so pleasant....sitting watching......enjoying the picturesque rural surrounds of where we live.  It was especially poignant for me watching my grandson Owen running around with his little rugby ball and taking it all in.  And I kept thinking how Tony would be rapt to see his son still enjoying rugby (after all the years he coached his team when he was a little guy) and now to see his grandson running around with a ball in hand!

Another family activity we have done for years is boating and fishing.  On Saturday 3 members of the family took the boat out determined to bring home fish for dinner!!  They succeeded and we enjoyed it!
We also took advantage of the lingering late summer days.....Owen especially had fun in the still warmish waters.

Then of course there is the chocolate (way too much!),  hot cross buns, movies, good food, candle lit dinners......everything that makes up great family times.....and we have all enjoyed watching Owen enjoying chocolate!! How he loves anything sweet:) He has been allowed a little (carefully managed) so as the sugar highs aren't too crazy.....ha!

But I guess the highlight for me this Easter has been Sunday morning when as a family we were part of the service at the Elim Church in Whangarei. My eldest daughter Vanessa had been asked to sing, and she asked the rest of us to help out.  It's been a long time since we did anything like this together....but what fun. Vanessa singing, Natasha doing backing vocals, Heath on drums, me on keyboard and son in law Jonty on the sound desk.....we engaged the help of bass and lead guitarists and away we went! The only sad thing was daughter in law Courtney couldn't be with us as she was working.

It brought such joy to my heart to do something like this with my kids.  But more than just 'doing an item' was to see my kids in church, serving, worshipping, committed to their God....the God of their father and grandfathers.  They have such a rich heritage!  I have to believe Tony was looking down with a big smile on his face! In fact, there a lot of things that would have made him smile this weekend. The church services, rugby, fishing, chocolate, good food, Sunday lunch with friends...... and the family just being together. And because I know all these things would make him smile it makes me smile too.......and makes me feel he is still close.

So now it's Monday and the thought that tomorrow life will go back to normal....but what lovely memories we have to take with us into the week.

I trust for you too that this Easter has been meaningful, relaxing and enjoyable. This is a little of what I wrote in my journal this morning.......
'Easter - what an amazing story of the God who loves beyond what we can ever imagine....who gave beyond what we will ever deserve.....and who brings hope beyond what we can only begin to conceive.
Thank you Jesus for the cross'.

Till next time.................

Clouds

Today as I write this, the clouds are gathering overhead.  After a period of gorgeous weather we have been warned of a tropical cyclone heading our way - due to hit us in the northern part of NZ sometime tonight.  It's hard to imagine really - because our weather has been so beautiful - that we are about to be hit with gale force winds and 'sideways' rain!  But the clouds are a sign that something rather sinister is on its way.

The clouds are hanging low and heavy this afternoon

Clouds can bring with them a variety of emotions or feelings.  The relief on a scorching hot summers day when a cloud passes in front of the sun and you feel that moment of relief and a touch of coolness. The rain clouds that look dark and ominous, but bring much needed rain to dry and parched lands, not to mention filling up thirsty water tanks!  Then there are the beautiful fluffy white clouds that just look stunning against a bright blue sky - the kind we drew in our pictures when we were kids!

The sort of clouds I like - white and fluffy decorating a blue sky

Interesting how clouds are featuring in my thoughts at the moment.......I even found myself writing about them in my journal this morning.  For me when I feel a 'cloud' is hovering over me (figuratively) or threatening to hover, it often means I am struggling with the 'aloneness' that comes with losing your spouse.  I know I have mentioned this before in my writings, but it is something that doesn't really go away, something that you have to deal with on an ongoing basis.

I find it helpful to recognize it for what it is, write about it, talk about it maybe.........face it head on......and then of course pray about it......that always must be my first 'go to' response!

That 'cloud' always seems closer, heavier and darker when something happens to upset the balance in your life.  Things like illness, stress, tiredness.......so it's real important to recognize this and to take steps to deal with it.  For me that often means - taking the pressure off - do something practical - in the natural.  Stay home, have a sleep, excuse yourself from some prearranged activity, walk on the beach, watch a DVD.....in other words....just do something for YOU and don't feel guilty about it!

So with these thoughts running around in my head, it is no coincidence that this past week or so my readings have included thoughts on burdens and clouds - and other heavy things...ha!

From Streams in the Desert today I read - do not be afraid to enter the cloud descending on your life, for God is in it! And the other side is radiant with His glory.  When you feel the most forsaken and lonely, God is near.  He is in the darkest cloud. Forge ahead into the darkness without flinching, know that under the shelter of the cloud, God is waiting for you.

Such a beautiful picture!  In the spiritual - so in the physical.  On the other side of this storm that is about to hit us - will be calm.  The sun will shine again, the sky will be blue again, the winds will drop to a gentle breeze and the clouds will change from black to white!

It is good for me to remember this as I must admit I do not enjoy being buffeted around in this house when the strong winds hit. My house sits up quite high - nice to get the views - but not so good in the storms.  I have had quite a few sleepless nights trying to control my fear while listening to the howling wind and torrential rain beating down.  So if that happens tonight......I will focus my thoughts on what is coming on the other side of the clouds and the fact that my Heavenly Father is still in control!

Mangawhai Harbour WILL look like this again after the storm!

Then there's the whole thing about burdens..........but that can wait!

Till next time................

Holidays, families and other things..........

Today I am pondering what has been a rather whirlwind of activity over the last month or so.  When I think back to all that has been going in my life since mid December it leaves me thinking I need a holiday!! Ha!

Preparing the house for visitors, planning menus, buying food, cooking food, buying gifts, wrapping gifts, Christmas, New Year, eating, family, friends, fun, boating, fishing, water skiing, swimming, beach games, hot nights, afternoon naps, movies, watching tennis, babysitting, laundry, bread making, laughter, tears, memories, story telling, fireworks, music, photos, noise, dirty dishes (thank the Lord for a dishwasher), BBQ's, lots of coffee, a little wine, many emotions.........phew!
What a blessed position to be in - to have so many lovely memories:)

It was a real priviledge to host all my family for Christmas this year and a few special friends as well - did my heart good - but I must admit I was very aware of who wasn't with us. My husband and best friend was missing and I was keenly aware of it.  He was always my right hand man when we had a house full of people - so ready to help me wherever - always quick to initiate - motivate - whatever was needed at the time.  It has been such an adjustment for me to 'pick up' things that I used to leave to him to do, but also to learn to ask others to help me.

When you have operated in a partnership for a long time - it is not easy to suddenly change the way you do things and ask others to help or do something that would normally be done by your partner.  Of course, people are always willing to help - the change has to come in me and the way I do life.  That's the challenge!

Families are great though aren't they? Gotta love them.....can't choose them...ha!  God certainly knew what He was doing when He came up with that idea:)  My mother used to say "home/family is where you are treated the best and behave the worst"!!  Yes, well, we have all had those days!

But isn't it great to be in a family where you are loved and accepted for who you are, to appreciate each one with all their diversities in character and nature........to be free to be yourself!
There are other precious members of our family that are not with us anymore when we gather - and we miss them all.........so it was lovely this year to have some new members - 2 little ones and a new daughter in law.

This past week I had the priviledge of looking after my 20 month old grandson Owen. He is one busy little guy.......who needs lots of activity and fresh air.......but oh so cute!  We had so much fun and its not difficult to get him laughing - which is a delightful sound. It's amazing how things change though. When my children were that age I was busy with not only being a mother, but keeping up with the demands of running a household, helping my husband when I could on the farm and being involved in church ministry. Now as a grandmother when I am babysitting - that's all I do!!! Woohoo.......everything else can wait......and you know what.......it doesn't matter!!

My own mother modelled that for me and I am so grateful for that.  Putting aside your own agenda when looking after a grandchild is so wonderful and so rewarding:)  And the cuddles and kisses I get from Owen make up for the weariness at the end of the day....ha!

So from now life will return to some sort of normality. Family members are back busy with their jobs and lives and my thoughts turn to the year ahead.

One of the struggles with grief is the 'aloneness' you feel.  It wouldn't be right to say I'm lonely, as I have family and friends around me.......but 'aloneness' is a different thing.  That is something no other person can actually help you with, it is something that is always there and something you have to learn to live with. My kids have their own lives to lead - and I wouldn't have it any other way. The same goes for friends - everyone's lives are full and busy - that's life!

So how to cope with the 'aloneness'?  For me it always comes back to my faith in God - He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  So I must continually go back to a place of quietness and rest - knowing that He is always with me - no matter how I am feeling.

A few days ago a friend called in and we had a good catch up for a couple of hours.  We talked about how it is just over 2 years since Tony died and what might be ahead for me.  She encouraged me that it is now a time for me to 'be strengthened' and quoted a line from a verse in Isaiah 30 "in quietness and trust is your strength".  I really like that!

I have found along with the spiritual encouragement, I also need things to look forward to in the natural.  So I am looking forward to a few days away with a couple of friends at the end of February - a kind of 'girls time out' - and I will continue to plan things along the way as the year stretches out before me.

I don't know about you but I'm not a great one for New Years resolutions.......however I like to think this year will be full of growth - of character, wisdom and spiritual strength - and of love and laughter!
Tony used to say 'the best is yet to come'........that's a great outlook right there!

Till next time.............